Photo by Biova Nakou
How much should you shape your child as a person? That’s a much more complex question than it seems on the surface. That’s because our little ones often come into the world with much more personality and character than we would have anticipated in the first place. We can guide that, but not necessarily remold it completely, and perhaps that’s for the better.
However, in your household, you do have the chance to shape values, boundaries and important life lessons. Doing so is only appropriate, and we can always tell someone who was raised with good and heartfelt values, even if the modern world does make applying them a little more confusing than expected.
The balance here, we think, is to suitably and gently encourage your child towards the right direction without necessarily forcing them, outside of those situations where boundaries need to be set. For example, you might not impose a religion on your child, but you may absolutely stamp out bullying behavior as unacceptable. In this post, we’ll discuss how to approach situations like these more carefully, and with a mind for health and wellbeing:
Model The Behavior You Hope To Teach
We don’t recognize it as adults, but your child learns so much from just watching you, probably more than they do from listening to what you say. As such, it helps to showcase and model the values you hope to see in them, so if you want your child to be kind and respectful, you need to show them what that looks like every day. Little things, like treating your partner with kindness, speaking politely to people you meet, and handling disagreements with grace really do matter. Daily reactions like never showing road rage is a good example.
You could also show them how you handle your own mistakes. For instance, if you accidentally break something or say something you regret, you can apologize sincerely and show them that it’s okay to mess up, as long as you take responsibility for what you did. If you’re able to begin modeling makes values feel real and a lot easier to understand, not just some abstract set of rules you’re supposed to follow. This might sound like we’re saying “just be perfect!” but just do the best you can, and your child will know that’s all that’s needed.
Consider Their Social Influences
The truth is that a child’s values aren’t shaped by their parents. They’re also influenced by their friends and all the stuff they see on TV or in video games. You might notice your child picking up habits or attitudes from their friends, and this can be a great time to gently talk with them about what they’re seeing and hearing.
You can also help them figure out which influences are positive and which might not be so great, and also manage who they have access to, or the cultural entertainment you allow them to have access to. Their friend might watch horror films because their parents don’t mind, but that doesn’t mean you’ll allow them to. Helping them become a thoughtful person by setting a few boundaries can help.
Help Your Child Make Wholesome Friends
The friends your child spends time with can have a monumental impact on who they become and what they believe in. While you can’t just pick their friends for them, you can create opportunities for them to meet and hang out with good kids. Some parents do this by taking time to enroll them in clubs or activities that are more appropriate and suitable for your family’s values, like a local volunteer group or a community sports team, because these settings are more likely to attract children who have a strong sense of teamwork and good sportsmanship. After all, having your child spend more time with kids working together as a team every week, that’s going to have a positive effect.
You could also invite some of their more polite friends over for playdates, which gives you a chance to get to know those kids and encourages your child to build stronger relationships with them. That’s a subtle and gentle way of steering them toward friendships that are supportive and just all-around good for them.
Think About Your Own Values
Before you can really teach your child a set of values, it helps to be super clear about what those values are for yourself. It’s not an easy question, because we tend to live each day without necessarily sitting down and thinking about the baseline principles guiding us. You might want to take some time to think about what is truly important to you as a person and as a parent.
Is it honesty, compassion, hard work, or something else? Probably all of that and more. If you have a more clear sense of your own values, it’s much easier to talk to your child about them. You can explain why being honest is so important to you or why you believe in treating everyone with respect, or why it’s important to be friendly to the vulnerable child, or how to stand up for yourself. This isn’t defined by forcing your beliefs on them, but sharing who you are and what you stand for, and allowing them to learn principles through action that they can learn easily now, or with difficulty later in life.
Be As Consistent As You Can
It’s not easy, but you should always try to act in a way that matches the values you are trying to instill. This means holding yourself and your child accountable for your actions. It also means being consistent with your boundaries and consequences, so if you have a rule about being kind to others, you should apply that rule in all situations, even when your child is tired or frustrated.
Of course, you’re not going to perfect that of course, and it doesn’t mean you need to be a model person. But at the very least, your child will feel that your gently guidance towards boundaries and care is consistent.
